As Halloween fast approaches, I am reminded of my greatest fear, Chucky – you know, the doll that comes to life and tries to do his voodoo thing on a little boy to take over his body?? Scary stuff! Naturally, I blame my parents for this fear. My dad introduced me to the Chucky movies when I was 9 years old. My mom reinforced my fear by scaring me with my cabbage patch doll, Joyous Lee, who had the infamous red hair and blue eyes. I shiver at the thought of her sitting… waiting for me… somewhere in storage (my mom admitted she never threw her away as I requested).
It’s kind of silly. I am a grown woman! Why am I still deathly afraid of something fictional? There is plenty out there to be feared… real threats, like spiders! Or more seriously, people! But here I am, a cowering mess in my cubicle because one of my coworkers brought in a Chucky doll as a Halloween decoration. I now avoid our fax machine and printer because he is there… waiting for me.
I was first in the office this morning at 6am, it was still dark out, and I caught a glimpse of his bright red hair and remembered he was here! Waiting for me! Waiting to get me alone! I walked right in to his trap! No kidding, I was looking over my shoulder every few seconds until a coworker arrived, luckily just 5 minutes later. I’m safe for now…
This fear, albeit irrational, is very real to me. I honestly get the increased heart rate, and the mental images of being overtaken in strength by a stupid doll. It makes me worry about what fears my daughter will pick up, and will I be the one, as my parents were, to ‘make’ her so afraid?? My little brothers, 20 years younger than me, are not afraid of Chucky – they think Child’s Play is a comedy – even though they were introduced to him at the same tender age. Maybe that’s a result of the enhancements in special effects technology in movies, or maybe they were introduced to a pretty freaky thing with a good laugh instead of a wicked look.
Although I would LOVE to be able to protect Kaylee from everything that could possibly harm her or just harmlessly frighten her, I know that’s not a realistic expectation to set for myself. I think, as a responsible parent, I need to conquer my fears so that I can be of good humor when something scary, like the spider hanging in our doorway or the doll she will eventually want to buy in the toy store, enters our world. If I am scared, she will either pick up on that fear, or worse... torture me with it.
The best advice my mom gave me when Kaylee was laid in my arms as a newborn was to show complete confidence in everything I do, even if underneath I am mortified/confused/uncertain. Kaylee will listen if I at least look confident. So far that has worked with most things, but now that we are entering the age when things could and sometimes do scare her, I want to make sure I portray the confidence in her ability (and mine) to handle those things light-heartedly. We’ll see how it goes… especially knowing full well that I will delay conquering my Chucky fear as long as possible.
Please, Hollywood, don’t remake Child’s Play!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
With Great Love Comes Great Culpability
Is it possible to get through parenthood without feeling guilty at one point or another?
The last couple of weeks my husband, Shiloh, and I have been working on letting Kaylee soothe herself and put herself to sleep. There are hiccups every now and then with this in that some nights Kaylee puts up a bigger fight than on others. Yesterday, the poor thing was sick – seemed like just a productive cough, no fever or anything. We got her to bed successfully, but she woke up about an hour in. That happens fairly frequently, so we thought we would just see if she could get herself back down - which she usually does in a matter of minutes. Since she was not feeling too well, we didn’t push her the limit – only letting her cry for about 5 minutes and then we peeked in on her... her room reeked of vomit.
I have never felt worse or less confident about my mothering ability. My poor little baby was just covered in throw up. Her clothes, hair, bedding, even the floor got some. Kaylee was such a trooper, as usual. She was sobbing, but she was pretty calm for having her first experience with throwing up… in that large of a quantity, I should say.
I felt so guilty though for not having jumped to her aid faster. Shiloh made a valid point – we didn’t know she had thrown up, we thought she just had a cough. We even have a video monitor that we were watching her on, and could not tell that she was covered in vomit. (Can someone please create an HD video monitor??!) But still, I feel I should have known! Somehow, someway! Am I missing the maternal instinct that everyone talks about?
To top off my guilt for last night, I feel even worse having to come to work today. Shiloh and I are in a fortunate situation: I work and he is the stay-at-home parent. When Kaylee is sick though, I want to be able to comfort her and bring her back to health. I know he will do just as good of a job, but as a mother, I feel like it’s my duty and privilege to take care of my baby.
Guilt.
The last couple of weeks my husband, Shiloh, and I have been working on letting Kaylee soothe herself and put herself to sleep. There are hiccups every now and then with this in that some nights Kaylee puts up a bigger fight than on others. Yesterday, the poor thing was sick – seemed like just a productive cough, no fever or anything. We got her to bed successfully, but she woke up about an hour in. That happens fairly frequently, so we thought we would just see if she could get herself back down - which she usually does in a matter of minutes. Since she was not feeling too well, we didn’t push her the limit – only letting her cry for about 5 minutes and then we peeked in on her... her room reeked of vomit.
I have never felt worse or less confident about my mothering ability. My poor little baby was just covered in throw up. Her clothes, hair, bedding, even the floor got some. Kaylee was such a trooper, as usual. She was sobbing, but she was pretty calm for having her first experience with throwing up… in that large of a quantity, I should say.
I felt so guilty though for not having jumped to her aid faster. Shiloh made a valid point – we didn’t know she had thrown up, we thought she just had a cough. We even have a video monitor that we were watching her on, and could not tell that she was covered in vomit. (Can someone please create an HD video monitor??!) But still, I feel I should have known! Somehow, someway! Am I missing the maternal instinct that everyone talks about?
To top off my guilt for last night, I feel even worse having to come to work today. Shiloh and I are in a fortunate situation: I work and he is the stay-at-home parent. When Kaylee is sick though, I want to be able to comfort her and bring her back to health. I know he will do just as good of a job, but as a mother, I feel like it’s my duty and privilege to take care of my baby.
Guilt.
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